Speech!

A rousing speech by Parker Idon'thavealastname
Speech
I am a person and I am going to tell you why I have a suckish job and life. My mom use to spill pudding on me, and never cleaned it up! So now I spill pudding all over myself! My manager has complained about me spilling pudding before, but I just can’t stop! After 3 years in rehab I have stopped spilling pudding. Strangely I throw up jell-o now, every single time!! Now I am hallucinating, the sad thing is now all I see is Elmo. My mom never fed me when I was a kid so the only thing I ever ate was strawberries and popcorn. My dad gave me a pillow once.
Anyway! So, one time I went to lunch with my friend and we went to the mall and I tried on this really sexy dress and she said it made me look fat! After that I ate her. Haha, just kidding I just bited her real hard and she went all ninja on me, and I was all “SO HA! I knew you were a vampire, you freak!” After that disaster I went to the park and you will never believe what I saw! The park was full of water and apple-monkey fish were swimming and eating syrup. It was CRAZY! But really all it was was senior citizens having breakfast with monkeys, which is still kinda weird…
I just wish that I could fly, cuz then I wouldn’t have to worry about people looking at me weird when I walk to work. Then I could be all “WHEEEEE!!!!!! Look what I can do mommy! Regret spillin that pudding now, huh?! YAY!!!!!” But then she’d tell me that I need therapy, and I would probably say something like “Mom, I have a hard enough time telling myself my problems, so why would I want to tell some freak in a clown suit about them?” Or something to that affect. So, I have a brother or the “sane child” as my mom calls him. WHOA!! Do you think penguins can talk? I think they can, once I had a friend that thought he was a penguin. That boy was a real loon. Except he made a weird sound, it was kinda like “BAAAAAAAAACKK BA BA BAAAAAAAAACKK!!!” and he wore this crazy outfit….. Well he did tell me that he was going to be a chicken for Halloween, but that didn’t make any sense.
Roller Coasters are AWESOME, I remember this one roller coaster that I went on. It went like “WHEEE AHHH WOOO WAHHH, KAAAA BOOM!!!” then we all thought we were dead…. Cotton candy is sticky. I remember this one time when I went to the fair, you know…. where it is really loud because people are singing and screaming. Yeah so I got some cotton candy there and they said I couldn’t eat it so I took it home and so my mom told me “Don’t you get any cotton candy on the couch or the carpet. “Well I didn’t get any on the floor or the couch, I just kinda got it all over my bed. So for 3 weeks I was sleeping in the cotton candy bed…. Yeah that was awesome, no it wasn’t. Well it was green, they were out of the pink kind and that made me so mad! So I was yelling at the cashier, and I was all “Nuh uh! They can’t be out of the pink kind! It’s a superhero!” I will never ride elevators ever again, because they scare me. Not only with the crappy music but also that little ‘ding!’ AHHH!!! Gets me every time. If I ever meet a superstar I’m going to ask them where they get their batteries. Because they always seem to know where the hottest stuff is. When I was little my grandma read me books about potatoes.